Love and Marriage vs. Life Challenges


Three years ago I committed my life to this beautiful woman and our life together as husband and wife started off in the best possible way. We were in love. Our kids loved each other. We had good paying jobs. We had an amazing wedding surrounded by our family and friends, and then headed off on a dream honeymoon.

Anyone with half a brain knows that life will throw challenges at you and your marriage. But despite that, there is nothing that can really prepare you for those challenges or how to handle them when they occur. God knows, we didn’t fully realize what was ahead of us.

We’ve had a lot of AMAZING things happen to us and so many good memories that have been made. But challenges have come whether we liked them or not.

Over the past three years we’ve dealt with job losses (hers last year, mine this year), job changes (4 for her, 2 for me), credit card bills that got out of control, crazy rent increases, my autistic son moving in/starting college, and my depression rearing its ugly head once more. This is all on top of the regular challenges that affect every marriage.


But today as I reflect on the past 3 years as a married couple (4 years as a couple), I’m not reminded of the bad. I see the woman who has stuck by my side and continued to love me, truly for better or worse.

I know living with me is no cup of tea everyday, but she still chooses to do it.
She still does it with a smile on her face and love in her heart.

She does it when she makes silly faces or belts out some tune off-key.

She does it when she cleans dishes or makes a meal.

She does it when she holds me and says that everything is going to be alright, even thought it feels like the world is crumbling around us.

She has placed her absolute faith, trust and love in me and believes in me when I don’t even believe in myself.

Sometimes, I question why (because my mind is whack like that) but I just try and accept/appreciate the fact that she does, and hasn’t failed to in the 4 years we’ve been together.

8 years ago I saw the movie Juno and came to love the following line…

“Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”

I had wondered if it was possible to find a person like that, or if it was another movie fairy tale.

Today I realize it’s no fairy tale and I’ve got that kind of person.

So today I say to the woman who is still just a beautiful today as she was 4 years ago. Thank you.

Thanks for choosing me to be your husband.
Thanks for loving me as much as you have and continue to.
Thanks for sticking by me and continuing to believe that the “sun still shines out my ass”.

Happy Anniversary Honey. Here’s to the rest of our life.

I love you Jennifer Lynn Tellez. Yesterday, Today and Always.

Depression…You Are Not Alone In This. You Are LOVED. You Are WANTED.

This last Saturday morning I was going through my computer cleaning up files.

What started with cleaning up unneeded music and videos led to me finding stuff that I had written up during what had been the darkest period of my life.

As I read it I felt like I was looking at someone else. I recognized them as things I had written but I couldn’t identify with the person who wrote them, or the sentiments behind them. My intention when I wrote them was either going to be something for me to look back at and see how far I had come, or it was going to be something that would explain to others where my head had been. Because depression is something that neither the person going through it or the people around them truly understand.

Yesterday the amazing Robin Williams took his life. An amazing man who made the world laugh lost his battle with depression. Today we wake up with the world being a little less funny, trying to make sense out of why someone so rich, famous and funny could be so depressed. With that in mind, and in the hopes of saving other lives I thought it was important to finally come forward with my story & my struggle.

Because as I went through those files some of them included suicidal plans and a portion of what would have been a suicide note.

To some of my family and friends this may come as a shock, but I share this because I want to help those who are battling depression and those around them that may not understand it.

I share it because I am a living example of someone who fought the hard fight and won. I want those who are dealing with it to know that there is an end to the darkness. There is a way to get out of that hole, to get out of the spiral of bad thoughts and feelings.

You too can get to the point where you’ll look back at what happened and see the victory you had, and feel as amazing as I did recognizing how far I’d come and then like me deleting those notes and plans because they’ll be something you will NEVER NEED.

I share it because it because it’s time we started talking about depression. From accepting that it’s a very real condition to helping those around us who suffer from it.

For those that are suffering from it….
My first recommendation is to GET HELP. There are so many amazing therapists out there to talk to who can help you work through all the feelings in your head, especially the ones you don’t understand. If you don’t like your first therapist, get a different one. Keep switching until you find one that gets you and you feel like you can open up to them. Once I found my therapist I saw him for a number of years. Even once I had battled the depression I still talked to him. It was great to have someone like that to get out everything with.

Find and take medication that works for you. YOU ARE NOT WEAK for taking medication. If anything it takes a ton of strength to accept that your body needs help. It’s no different than when you have a cold. Your body is not working right, and that’s OK. I found some great medication and it helped calm the thoughts and kept me thinking straight. It may be something you have to take for a short period of time. It may be something you have to take for a long time. There’s some amazing medication that can help you. Be open and honest with your doctor/therapist/psychologist about how it’s working/not working for you. Whatever you do, DON’T STOP IT COLD TURKEY! If you feel like you’re ready to phase it out work with your doctor/therapist/psychologist on how to do that.

TALK OUT YOUR FEELINGS. Talk to your family, talk to friends, talk to your therapist, talk to a Church leader, talk to a support group. Let them know you need help making sense out of things. That you need to get it out of your head. Only by talking out the thoughts in your head can you work things out and start making sense out of non-sense. Being honest and getting it all out was amazing for me. It’s only then where you see how you’re brain isn’t making sense.

DON’T LISTEN TO THE LIES YOUR BRAIN TELLS YOU. You may get to that incredibly low, low, low, low point. The point where you feel like your existence doesn’t matter and that the world would be a better place without you. If you do, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline IMMEDIATELY at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If you don’t want to talk to them, talk to a trusted family member, friend, Church leader or support group leader. Talk to someone, please. It saved my life. It can save yours too.

KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED AND YOU ARE WANTED. To those reading this that I don’t know and are going through the pain of depression. I love you. I care about you. You matter to me. You matter to this planet. You were put on this earth for a reason. You may not understand why until much later on, but YOU MATTER and this world WOULD NOT be a better place without you. YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!

For those that have loved ones that are suffering through depression…

BE THERE FOR THEM. Be there with a non-judgmental mind and just listen.
Understand that as much as what they may say may not make sense to you, it makes even less sense to them. Gently help them through their feelings. Don’t deny them or shoot them down. Accept them and help them figure out a productive way of dealing with them.

Understand that telling someone to “just cheer up”,  “life isn’t that bad” or anything else to that effect doesn’t help in any way, shape or form. Those suffering with depression can’t just think happy thoughts and be okay for the day. You’ve got to love on them. Support them. Let them know that you love them for everything they are and are not.

Accept that depression is an illness, not a choice of living. Mental illness is another one of the things that affect the human body.  You will have a hard time wrapping your head around it. There’s no logic to it. There’s no reason to it. There’s no sense in it. And that’s just it….when you’re affected by mental illness it doesn’t (and likely will ever) make sense.

ENCOURAGE AND SUPPORT others to get qualified medical help. You may have to push them to go to a therapist. You may have to push them to take medications. Do it lovingly and without authority. Tell them you care about them and it would mean a lot to you for them to do it. Tell them how important they are in your life and how much you want to help them.

If you notice them getting to a point where they’re really suffering, and they can no longer help themselves, GET HELP FOR THEM. Look up local resources. Reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline – Know that your help could mean the difference between life and death.

HANG IN THERE. Supporting and loving someone suffering from depression is incredibly hard. You are doing amazing work and despite the appearances that it might not be working. IT IS WORKING & IT DOES MATTER.

For those who aren’t going through it or know someone going through it…

You can actually help battle depression by SMILING AT PEOPLE MORE & BEING MORE FRIENDLY. Be aware of those around you and how they may be feeling.

Every person you meet or encounter in your day may be going through some struggle in their life.

It may be depression. It may be alcoholism. It may be drug addiction. It may be a divorce. It may be that they’re having the day from hell.

Sometimes that smile, or telling someone to have a great day can make all the difference in the world because someone recognized them as a human being and made them feel important if even just for 10 seconds.

We’re all in this life together and only by working together and supporting each other can WE ALL make it through.

Together we can fight depression. Together we can make a difference.

The Wonderfully Perfect Family Mess

When my wife and I got married, seeing as we were joining two families we decided to involve the kids in the ceremony. We like many other re-married couples with kids, wanted to show it wasn’t just about the two of us. It was about ALL of us.

After searching through all of the possibilities, we decided on using a special picture frame that held sand. Each of us would have our own color sand to represent us.

The big day came and the kids and we took turns pouring our sand into the frame. Kaylin first with her usual pink, followed by Josh’s “Mario” red. Jenny came next with her favorite color green, and I completed it with my favorite blue.

20121111 - 462 of 1134 - IMG_9455Once we were done, we had created a PERFECT and beautiful pyramid of sand.

20121111 - 476 of 1134 - IMG_9464Soon after we were officially a family, and went to celebrate with family and friends.

As the celebration wound down, I spotted Kaylin carrying around the frame, except now instead of the perfect pyramid it was a big jumbled mess.

Me: “Kaylin, what are you doing?”

Kaylin (with a super innocent face): “Mom said I could mix it up.”

I looked over at my wife

Me: “Babe?”

Jenny: “Yeah, it’s fine..”

Me: “Okay, Kaylin, just be careful with it, don’t let it break”

I walked away very frustrated. I had loved how it looked and the symmetry of the lines. It was going to look gorgeous on our mantle. For a brief instance I thought we could do it again. Then realized the significance of doing it would be lost.

As time went on, it sat there on our mantle, still missing the rest of the sand and in its big mixed up state.

photo 2I’d glance at it and some of the frustration would return.

Then one day after we had been through another one of the family challenges life had thrown at us, it hit me.

This mixed up state is exactly what being a family is all about. In our case it’s 4 different personalities, preferences, attitudes and beliefs all working together.

Sometimes we’re clashing or revolving around each other in what I believe is best described as controlled chaos.

Then there’s the incredibly awesome times where we’re blended together so strong that we’re super bright and vibrant. We’re more colorful together than we are apart, and we create colors, and joy that some people would never think of.

So after almost a year and a half later I finally added in the remaining sand. A little more of Kaylin, a smidge more Josh, a helping of Jenny and a healthy amount of myself. Then I shook it up really well to come up with a unique pattern that will never be duplicated but so aptly reflects all of us.

I don’t expect the sands to stay in the same place and have no doubt that as time moves, and we change that it too will change. We’ll have our messes. We’ll have our perfection. We’ll have our jumbled states of chaos and happiness. Most importantly we’ll have what’s most important, an amazing family built on the love God has for us, and the love we have for each other.

photo 3

God Listens. God Answers. God Loves.

As someone who is a practicing Christian, living up to God‘s word isn’t easy.

I know He doesn’t expect me to be perfect, but my personality doesn’t let me shoot for anything less than that.  Oh, I don’t hit perfect. Never will. Doesn’t stop me from trying.

To say God has blessed my life is an understatement.

I’m married to a woman, who is amazing just in the fact that she puts up with me. Then she’s amazing in so many ways on top of that.

I’ve got two wonderful children who I couldn’t be prouder of.

I’ve got a job where I have the potential to do so many amazing things with co-workers that challenge me and keep me laughing.

I live in a nice home, eat good food and have friends and family that love and care about me.

Recently we received another blessing. My wife got a new job.
It freed her from one where they didn’t appreciate her and left her feeling like crap at the end of the day.

Really what do I have to be upset about in life? Nada.
There are A LOT of things that could be wrong in my life, but they aren’t.

But like so many people, even for those that seem to have it all there are days that stress the ever-loving crap out of me. That’s especially so when it comes to finances.

There was just one small hitch with this new job…it would mean that we’d have to get our own health insurance or pay for COBRA which is incredibly expensive.

We’re trying to be responsible and tackle the debt we accrued so this expense was going to put us in a tough position, possibly leaving us without health insurance.

Saturday night as we reviewed the options and my stress level jumped, my wife was loving and supportive reminding me to lean on God. For  a split second I thought, but didn’t shout out “How the heck is God going to put that money in our bank account?!!!

Yup, I really thought that. Mr. loving Christian…totally doubting his God.

After filling out the massive online application for two medical insurance providers and a couple of drinks, I prayed.

Then over the course of the last few days it felt like all the financial weight of the world was upon me. Yesterday on a long drive to San Diego, I had a long conversation with God.

My simple prayer was “I don’t need more money. I don’t want more money. I just want to be able to take care of everything and make ends meet.”

Then immediately after I was done I got a phone call that created more financial stress. I looked up and cried up “Really? You call that help?”

Yes, I verbally questioned God. I was pissed with Him. Why after spending the time to talk with Him, could He let that happen? I started questioning, why have faith in something that didn’t seem to deliver? Why keep praying and asking for help when I felt like I kept hitting brick walls?

This is the challenge that people make, somewhat rightfully so. How could this all-powerful, awesome, loving entity allow bad things to happen?

Shortly after 9/11 I had a conversation with my boss. Him being a devout Catholic, I asked him “How could God have allowed that to happen?”. His answer was simple “Because He’s fighting the devil, and sometimes the devil wins”.

Yes God is powerful, but bad things happen, they will always happen and He doesn’t make them happen, He doesn’t allow them to happen they just happen.

Sometimes out of pain and tragedy comes something so much better. Sometimes after having your world rocked, good is shown to you and reminds you of what you have to be thankful for and reminds you that there is so much more good in this world than bad.

We saw that after 9/11. We’ve seen that after so many of the tragedies that have taken so many from us and hurt so many. We’ve seen heroes rise from the ashes. We’ve seen people be blessed in ways that they wouldn’t have, had the bad things not happened.

I’ve learned over time  and have been reminded recently by our Pastor, Rick Warren “God wants to turn your mess, into his message. God takes your test and makes it your testimony”.

This morning I said a far simpler prayer. “God, I don’t know what your plans are, or where you’re going with any of this. I don’t understand it and I can’t control it. But I guess that’s just it. I’m trying to wrestle control over something that only You can handle. So I’m going to let You take it from here and stop questioning You.”.

About 30 minutes later I got a call from my wife. Her new employer was going to let us take advantage of the health insurance immediately. It would go into effect immediately after our current insurance expires.

Problem solved. Crisis Averted. God comes through…AGAIN.

Not only had God helped us get the insurance we needed at a price we could afford, but He also showed us how even more amazing my wife’s new job and boss was. She’s working for people who care about her and our family.

Yeah, I felt like a heel having gotten so angry, and even having doubted Him.

But then I remembered that He loves me no matter what. Even though I had gotten angry at Him and thought He was a bad parent. As it is when my children do this, I still love them and He still loves me. He’s still looking out for me. He’s still making sure that my path ahead leads to something good.

The path won’t be without bumps. It won’t be without challenges. It won’t be without pain, sorrow and loss, but He’s there with me to give me strength, love, support and protection that no one else can.

With this, He’s made my mess his message, and turned a test into a testimony.

Folks, God doesn’t make sense and He never will to us here on this planet.
The great thing is that His love knows no bounds. His forgiveness is powerful. His support is like none other.

When I look at the big picture of my life I see how He’s done some pretty astounding things, and seen the person He’s transformed me into despite who I am and how I’ve talked to Him. My life has been much more amazing since I let Him in it.

One of these days I will learn to let go better. I’ll stop trying to control things I can’t. I’ll stop trying to understand Him and just trust in Him.

So why did I write all of this? Am I trying to convert people? Am I trying to thump a “virtual Bible“?

No, I wrote this for two reasons:

1. To give thanks to Him for saving my butt, yet again in the most public way possible.
2. To help others see how He’s worked in my life in the off-chance they could become interested in learning more about Him.

Even if I never achieve my second goal, I know that my first goal is accomplished and that’s what matters most to me.

“So we don’t focus on the troubles we see right now; instead we look forward to what we don’t see yet. For the troubles we see now are temporary, but the joys to come will last forever.”
2 Corinthians 4:18


Goodbye Grams, and Thanks.

Today we celebrated the life of my Grandmother Verna Mattox who passed away on April 25th.

I know it’s been awhile since I blogged and I am certainly way behind on posts, including one about my incredible wedding.

But today, today is about Grams. The following is the eulogy I delivered and a memorial video I put together for today. It’s a long one, but she was an amazing woman and deserved every bit of it.

Eulogy For My Grandmother, Verna Mattox.

Many, many years ago my grandma made me promise that when the time came that I’d speak about her at her memorial.  It was a promise I easily made, but didn’t realize the challenge that I’d have in front of me until a few weeks ago.

Without writing something as long as War and Peace, how do you summarize 96 years of life, 40 of which I was so blessed to be a part of?

Then I did, what I know what she would have done …I talked to God.

As He has so many times before, and He did throughout my Grandmother’s life He provided guidance, inspiration and support.

So today I’d like to talk about, how this one woman, who words will never be able to properly describe, changed the world through her dedication and love.

Since I was around 8, I was amazed at her work in the political field. I didn’t fully understand what she was doing but I knew that she worked with important people that I had heard about on the news.

As I got older I came to learn and more fully appreciate what she had actually done and who she had worked with

She held titles like
Republican Convention Delegate
National Platform Committee member
State Volunteer Coordinator for Ronald Reagan’s 1980 campaign
GOP Nominee for 52nd Assembly District
Campaign Manager
Electoral College Member, not once…not twice, but three times.

People like Richard Nixon, Spiro Agnew, Bob Dole, Ronald Reagan, and George H Bush knew, and communicated with my grandmother. Her viewpoints. Her ideas. Her friendship was of great value to them.

Add on to this, she served her community through the many local groups she was involved in. Perhaps most important to me, the Torrance Sister City Association where she took high school students to Kashiwa, Japan and eventually held a seat on their board.

It is because of this incredible and unselfish service to her country I am honored to announce that Senator Mimi Walters of District 37 will create a memorial resolution, and adjourn a California Senate session  quote “in memory of Verna as a great American, a patriot and a timeless force in California party politics who served many presidents and governors in her illustrious tenure.” end quote. It will then be documented for history in the Senate Journal and archives.

While she was proud of her service, it was ultimately her love for her family, and wanting to make sure that the world they lived in was a better place that inspired everything she did.

I am incredibly proud of all that my grandmother accomplished, but it is the love, and memories that she gave me that means the most.

Just below God, my Grandmother was one of the most influential people in my life

When my parents divorced she was there to take care of my brother Lee and I.  She was my solid rock in a sea of incredible pain and uncertainty. She was a source of love and understanding that I couldn’t have lived without.

She taught me manners and personal conduct that serves me in every social situation I’m in. As a kid you think it’s all nagging, but in the end it all makes perfect sense.

From a restaurant, to hanging out with friends, to the board room. She taught me so much that now in observing others, I’ve come to the conclusion that many could have used a Grandmother like mine, and the very manners she taught me.

Her involvement in the Sister City Association spurred me to take part as well. That led me to a journey that would change me from a boy who felt incredibly unpopular, to a young man who had a greater amount of confidence in who he was, and where he was going.

She instilled in me the desire to want to be a responsible, ethical and determined man.
As a result I have been blessed with incredible success and achievement that continues to flourish to this day.

She has also left me with some incredible memories that will forever be in my heart…

Memories of…

Calling her up and asking her if she wanted to go “mall crawling”. She’d then keep me out of the toy stores and I’d keep her out of the shoe stores. All the while yelling at me “I’m not your papoose” if I started walking too fast.

Going to Hawaii with her, and my cousin David. A trip where her nickname “Grams” was bestowed upon her and used until the very end.

Sitting on a cruise ship crossing the Pacific, enjoying pizza and beer while talking about the life she lived.

Having her present when I was baptized again, and seeing the happiness in her face that I had fully accepted the Lord, something she had been wanting for me for so long.

Perhaps the favorite memory I have is during her final time on earth where she was fully conscious, aware and chatting up a storm.

I stood there with my wife, my son and my step-daughter and we had the best conversation we had had in a couple of years. I was able to tell her about my new job, an upcoming trip to Australia and everything going on with the kids. Most importantly she was able to see her grandson happy and excited with a brand new future in front of him. I was able to give her the peace that I was alright and was going to be just fine until the day we meet again.


I will never be able to properly express my love, gratitude and deep admiration for every little thing you did for me, the family, and the country. I know you are in an incredible place up there with so many amazing people.

I hope that you’ll check in every once in awhile on me and the family. Jenny, Josh, Kaylin and I love you, miss you, and hope you’re having an incredible time up there, we all know you fully earned it.

As a final tribute to Grams, I have put together a memorial video.
When I first starting creating this I struggled with what music to use.

Again, I did what Grams would have done and I prayed to God for help.

I eventually decided on a beautiful piece of music by Michael Giachinno, appropriately titled “Moving On”. While I am sure Grams up above is so happy with everything we do here this morning, ultimately her final wish would be that we happily remember her life, the memories we made with her, and that we move on with the lives that she’s helped support, guide, and inspire.  

So with that I invite all of you to remember, celebrate and rejoice in the life of God’s gift to us, my grandmother Verna Mattox.

It’s All In The Details….

During my last post we were 47 days and counting from the big day.

As I expected it’s now come down to the details for everything, all those tiny little things that start quietly sneak up on you.

So what have we done over the last 35 days?

– Created the timeline for the ceremony including musical cues

– Received our wedding license

– Put together all of the wedding favors (Thanks Jenn Johnson for your help!)

– Checked up on our honeymoon plans

– Created the seating chart

– Coordinated with our friend Eric about officiating the ceremony

– Purchased decorations including frames for photos and our sign-able picture framed

– Paid for the flowers

and so many other tiny little tasks, e-mails and errands that honestly escape me at this point in time. It’s quite remarkable how important all the little details are with such a big event.

This Friday my co-workers are throwing us a wedding shower and Jenny will get her introduction to the C.A.R. staff, people who over the 14 years have become a 2nd family to me.

Little League is coming to an end with my last practice last night, and my final game with the kids on Sunday.

Sometime this weekend I’ll manage to clean the house, and prep it for the arrival of family next Thursday.

While Jenny and I are very excited about everything, we are getting to the point where we’re looking forward to just being done with the planning, enjoying the day with family and friends, going on the honeymoon and beginning our life together as husband and wife.

12 days and counting…

It’s All Getting Incredibly Real and SUPER CLOSE…

So here we are now only 47 days away from the wedding and November which seemed so far away is so incredibly close.

Jenny and I had a feeling that there would be a point in time, that despite our extensive planning and advance work that things were going to come fast and furious as we headed down the stretch.

The past couple of days I’ve happily spent my train rides working on everything from photo shot lists to a hotel for our wedding night to planning out the pace and timing of the ceremony and events.

Jenny has been working away at getting the various accessories for the wedding, putting together and mailing all of the invitations and getting things in line for her formal fitting for her dress this evening.

Some of our bigger to-dos still include…

1. Wedding License

2. Bachelor & Bachelorette Party

3. Cake/Cupcake Tasting

4. Music Playlist

5. Wedding Favors

There’s lots more little things here and there and while slightly overwhelming when combined with work and Kaylin’s little league schedule I couldn’t be more excited, thrilled or happy about all of it. Especially because when it’s all said and done I will have married a woman I thank God for every day and look forward to every day of my life with her.